Honey, I thunk the kids.

Where do you get your self worth? If you manage to not have it entwined with your kids, or spouse, not have it caught up in a role or a title, or money- then what is it tethered to and where does it come from? (Also, call me- I want to meet you.) The good answer here? Is that we’re eternal matter, we host a divine spark, and we don’t need ANY external measures for our self worth. That’s cool, if you can pull it off. And I’ll spend my life trying to.

I have, unbelievably, almost been a parent for 20 years. I am proud of this. I adore our (five!) kids. I loved their little soft heads when they were babies, their hilarious antics as toddlers, watching their bright brains learn to talk, to read and helping them navigate their distinct personality quirks, challenges and opportunities. Now I enjoy hanging out with them, I’m proud of their quick wit, musical ear and organizational skills, respectively. They of course also infuriate me, cause nights spent sitting up squinting at the time, and endless money and carpool and cleaning. But I don’t confuse their accomplishments or their problems with mine. I didn’t feel better or worse about myself depending on how long I breastfed, how early they potty trained or how high their SAT scores. 😳

And I’m not sure why I’m this way, but this is not where I get my self worth from. And I kind of wish it was cos the kids are pretty great. This is against the odds. My mom was a stay at home mom, most moms in my friend circle were, so it would follow that that would be a default path for me.

Somewhere along the line we get wired with values. Certainly I was raised to value having a family and investing in that family. If this had been harder for me I would have felt a lot of pressure. We live in a community both broadly speaking and specifically where people spend a lot of time and energy focussing on marrying people off, and in short order, their starting a family. So although I married terribly young (19 eek) and had kids promptly, (24) that gap caused plenty speculation in our synagogue and among well meaning? Family and friends. And weirdos in doctors’ waiting rooms. As an aside, I’m profoundly relieved to be leaving that speculation and those years in the rearview mirror. And I’m grateful that my husband is not susceptible to the slings and arrows of outrageous comments.

By most benchmarks our family is large and successful. I don’t say this to boast, I just find myself wondering why that was never ‘enough’ for me. Getting pregnant, having healthy babies and raising them pretty successfully are huge accomplishments, but I always feel that you don’t have very much control over them. You don’t get to choose how quickly you can find a partner, conceive, how difficult carrying a baby to term is, or what health issues they have. When I gave birth to our firstborn, my mum said to my brother (I admit this is a strange comment ) “What do you think? Isn't she clever?” To which He replied; “Well mom, rats do it.” He’s not wrong.

Maybe thats why I prefer to measure myself on things I accomplished through my own grit, initiative and gumption. Sure, you still need luck, timing, help from those around you, but career milestones feel to me like more of a reflection of effort you can gauge.

This week was back to school. Some of us find that a relief. Some of us are not sure how to fill our time, or get anxious and make whatsapp parent groups to discuss arrangements. Could be both. Could be, it depends on the kid. I think uncoupling our self worth from our kids’ accomplishments is really important though, for both parties. Happy Back to school for all of us who celebrate. 🚌